There’s this bit in the Bible that says (basically) when we stuff up we know about it because our conscience tells us so. And if we don’t feel it in our conscience then (unless we’re loony psychopaths – okay, that’s my addition, not the Bible) we’re probably okay, and we don’t need to worry.
Easy, eh? It’s a built-in kind of self-regulator. We stuff up, we feel bad, we say sorry, we get forgiven, we move on.
Got that? Right.
Well, here’s my True Confession:
About ten years ago I made a stuff up so bad it could only be described as a Super-Dooper-Cock-Up (to be henceforth known as the SDCU). It was bad. I felt terrible, and it broke apart one of the most beautiful friendships I’ve ever known. Yes, it was that bad.
Ten years.
She forgave me, kind of, and I forgave myself, kind of. But the trouble with SDCUs, and especially for people with long memories (like me) is that I could never really let it go. How could I have been so dumb? Even worse, how could I have been so dumb and been so convinced of my rightness for so long? How could I have ignored what must have been thumping in my conscience?
I didn’t really tell anyone at the time. Mostly because the one person I would normally have told was the person I’d just done a SDCU number on, and I couldn’t be in the same room as her any more without crying. It was that bad. I knew what I’d done wrong, the memory of my stupidity wouldn’t leave me, and I vowed never to do it again.
The thing is though, we move on. Time heals, and even the biggest SDCUs get papered over in the rooms of our memories, till all they are is a lump in the fabric, a scar where a wound used to be, and that’s pretty normal. You learn to live with these things, and you learn not to put yourself in situations where you’ll do the same thing again. It’s okay. Even SDCUs are okay when you can learn from them.
A few months ago, however, I was praying and God dropped this thought in my spirit, this thing that I just had to do, and, like most times when God tells people to do something, it freaked me out completely, and the only thing I could think was “But God…I can’t.”
Come on God, seriously. Don’t you remember about the SDCU?
And that’s when I realized.
It wasn’t my conscience condemning me at all. It wasn’t God. It was me.
There absolutely WAS a Super-Dooper Cock-Up: but it wasn’t the dumb thing I did to my friend. That was forgivable, and should have been moved on from years ago. No. The real SDCU was not talking about it to anyone, and allowing the guilt to stop me from reaching out to anyone for ten years. For that I’m truly sorry.
That’s why I’ve made my July 2012 resolution: I’m going to keep talking about how I’m feeling, and I’m going to keep blogging. Stuff-ups happen. All the time. We’re ridiculously human. But it’s only when we start admitting our faults to others and listening to our consciences rather than our emotions that we can really stop the cycle of the SDCU. What do you think? It’s scary, but do you care to join me in this big endeavour?
Megan Sayer 
Being open and vulnerable brings everything to the light and the accuser, that enemy of our souls, is rendered powerless. Awesome Megan.
Thanks Jo. Vulnerability can be the hardest thing sometimes, and openness, but oh boy is it worth it. Thanks for reading.
Love it!
Am always amazed at the extent to which God has ‘come to terms with our humanity’ (…even made extravagant allowances for it!!?) when we seem unable to!
“Crazy little thing called love,” sang Queen.
“Amazing little thing called Grace,” replied God.
(*I’m sing-typing with a Freddie-Mercury-esque voice in my head?!)
Grace is such yummy YUMMY stuff.
LOVE your honesty Megan – that’s *your* grace… uncorked and flowing to others.
I’m with YOU!! Let’s all let the stuff run oozy and wild, and life will be messy, forgivable, and free…
We’re all just giving this thing called life our best crack after all…
Points for trying and forgiveness for missing.
Brilliant.
Amy thank you! Love what you say here: “we’re all giving this thing called life our bet crack after all” – there’s SO much freedom in that!
Will be hearing you in Freddie Mercury voice for the rest of the day after this, too : )
I can relate Megan. Did the SDCU many years ago on one of my BFFs. All good now, but the relationship was never the same again. You’re right, though, communication is a major key to healing and wholeness in these things. 🙂 Blessings.
Thanks Amanda. Funny, the SDCU seems to be more common than any of us realise – which is kind of freeing in itself. Just gotta keep talking : )
Ha! Megan, you know my story already about my SDCU with another young lady. For me I think I talked too much – in fact I wanted to talk it through with that person and sort it out and deal with it so we could get past it so we could be ‘sisters’ again but she closed the door – I didn’t understand why it she’d shut the door – why was I cut off, and to make it worse I asked her why she closed the door. Yeah not such a good idea because she told me exactly why and they were nasty words that cut so deep and my heart was broken. It still leaves a lump in my throat. You know what though – I love the friends who stick it out in good and bad and your one of those people for me. I’d also like to think I have leanrt something and I hope I am a better friend from all this!
x
Oh Sal, I still grieve with you over that.
It’s hard, because both of us can analyse the situation till we’re blue in the face, and still come up with “we might have made mistakes, but we did the best we could for us at the time”, but it obviously wasn’t the right thing. Maybe there was no right thing. I don’t know. What it comes back to, for me at least, is that lesson that I’m not a bad person because of it, and that what happened isn’t a reflection of me – but of two broken people who clashed in a broken situation.
Ha! Feel free to remind me of that lesson next time I call you in tears because I’ve done another SDCU…
I will do Megan, and you can do the same for me! I love the new blogging you by the way! Good work.
Hi Megan, I so enjoyed reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your “human-ness” and your eloquent writing. That you feel so deeply after a SDCU demonstrates the beautiful person within xxx
thanks Lisa : )
Great post and most definitely true, we have to be willing to admit our faults, faults are human. 😉
Done a few SDCU’s. 😦 Somehow one gets past them but somehow it does ruin things.
Yeah. Probably the only consolation is that we’re ALL learning our way through this thing called life. My goal now is to see how well we can start again. There’s always hope.
Good goal, maybe I should shoot for something like that, too.
I really enjoyed this! It does help to get it all out there. That’s why I blog as well.
Thank you for posting. 🙂
Glad. Thanks for reading.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. Opening up and saying how you feel and what you think relieves the soul of burden and strife. When said with tack,compassion and eloquence words can ring louder than a cathedral bell. I have adopted this behavior recently as well and I wish you the best with your resolution!!
I swear you & me are at the same place at the same time! Love your blog!
So true. So thankful for grace for our SDCUs. And I agree, blogging is an excellent way to talk them out. Well, second only to asking for forgiveness from our victims, of course. 🙂
Oh, where would we be without grace and forgiveness!! Yup.