Just. Still. So. Tired.
All the time. Tired. Sick of it, really. Not used to feeling this way. I get the feeling that, more than anything else, it’s my body’s reaction to grief, to change, to serious upheaval. I’ve heard that bodies can do that kind of thing, even when the mind thinks it’s okay. I’ve thought I was okay. I’m sad sometimes, but not waking up overwhelmed with grief and tears any more. Just tired.
Sometimes it lifts, and those are the times I notice, and I notice when it comes over me again. It occurred to me that, especially now, there are things that energise me and things that make me tired. It’s probably always been this way, but more noticeable now.
I took the kids to the beach today. That energised me. I love the sound of the waves. I love the water.
Going home to piles of housework still waiting to be done made me tired.
Exhausted, I walked up to the supermarket. Time on my own energised me. Time in the mornings with half my brain still waiting for the kids to get up makes me tired.
Honest talk with adult friends energises me. Small talk makes me tired. Facebook, on the other hand, energises me.
Writing energises me. Work (admin) makes me VERY tired.
Spending time in my kids’ rooms (which I cleaned from top to bottom the other day) energises me. Spending time in my lounge room, which the kids have completely trashed, makes me tired. It’s school holidays. That’s a part of it. Still makes me tired.
Paul Simon energises me. Paul Kelly makes me tired.
Funny thing that, eh? A bit of self-knowledge goes a long way. I have the day to myself on Wednesday…you’ll find me in my kids’ bedroom, writing on Facebook, listening to Paul Simon…please leave me there as long as you can!
What about you? Have you ever figured out what activities energise you, and which make you tired? How do you find the balance of energising and tiring activities?
Hanging with real honest down to earth people energises me. But fake all up in
Grill people tires me. Cooking for 8 people energises me. Sitting in a restaurant thats meal I can’t remember eating it was so small tires me. A latte or a wine with my beautiful girls energises me. Being in a crowded place of unknown people tires me. Singing in the car on a road trip with a ‘mix tape’ energises me 🙂 Singing what only everyone else wants to hear tires me. So I can be found with deep real peeps, sipping good coffee or good wine, eating a cascade schnitzel with 80’s music in the background and singing out lines of it in between chatter and bites!!!
Ah, sounds like my idea of fun. Can’t wait to join you! xxx
Not having any time alone tires me completely. These days – when school holidays and family and visitors and revellers and fire evacuees and nightmaring children and needy people are a constant – I feel utterly worn out. Then when everyone is asleep or gone and there is a weeny bit of time before I know I should go to sleep, I feel awake again. I do love people, just with large spaces in between.
Meg I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one! Having had a kid-free morning today and feeling so totally energised I’m beginning to wonder is a lot of it just that – TIIIIIIME to breathe. Hang in there, I’ve been thinking of you with all the bushfire stuff. Glad to hear your house is safe. Hope you get some time off again soon.
I think it’s possibly worse for writers. Well probably for anyone needing lots of brain space, but writers disappear into things for days on end. My idea of luxury is alone time with a writing room and a radio. x
A shower. Music. Conversations with the right people. Ice cream. Fruits. Frozen yoghurt. These are just some of the things that energise me. Sleeping longer hours than my body is used to tires me.
That whole sleeping too long thing is so interesting, I know a few people who find that, strange though it sounds.
but I’m with you on the others. Some fresh fruit and a frozen yoghurt sounds awfully good for right now, actually.
I understand totally. When we are moving in that grief walk we need to take care of ourselves. Recently I was reading journals from when my mother was dying of pancreatic cancer, and the time after, and what I wrote was very similar to what you wrote. What I found most useful when I was trying to figure out how to deal with crippling fatigue, from both fibromyalgia and grief, was to decide what was important and what wasn’t. I let go of some things that I realized wouldn’t result in the world coming to an end. And like you, I figured out those things that made me feel better and focused on doing those. I also learned to let others help me. My kids have taken over more of the preparing for family gatherings – and I let my son-in-law do thanksgiving. I am working on giving up the guilt when my husband does the work I have always thought was my responsibility. Remember, this fatigue from grief will slowly lift over the next year – but it does take time which means you have to take care of yourself right now. Most people will forget your grief as soon as the funeral is over – we don’t have the custom of a year of grief. Find a few close friends and keep reminding them that this doesn’t end with the funeral. Let them know what is happening to you as you interact with each other so they can help. Wow, you got me on a roll. I hope I didn’t say too much. 🙂
Wow Pat! You are an amazing person to listen to. Your words are so full of wisdom. Megan is lucky to have you as a friend.
Pat you ARE amazing, thank you so much. I’ve never been through this before, and talking to people like you, who have experienced the journey already, is so helpful. Thanks so much!
Wow, Pat you are very sensible person! Thanks for great advices 🙂
Uhuh, the woman is wise. Thank you again Pat, from me, too.