And on the subjectof mistakes…

There’s this bit in the Bible that says (basically) when we stuff up we know about it because our conscience tells us so. And if we don’t feel it in our conscience then (unless we’re loony psychopaths – okay, that’s my addition, not the Bible) we’re probably okay, and we don’t need to worry.

Easy, eh? It’s a built-in kind of self-regulator. We stuff up, we feel bad, we say sorry, we get forgiven, we move on.

Got that? Right.

Well, here’s my True Confession:

About ten years ago I made a stuff up so bad it could only be described as a Super-Dooper-Cock-Up (to be henceforth known as the SDCU). It was bad. I felt terrible, and it broke apart one of the most beautiful friendships I’ve ever known. Yes, it was that bad.

Ten years.

She forgave me, kind of, and I forgave myself, kind of. But the trouble with SDCUs, and especially for people with long memories (like me) is that I could never really let it go. How could I have been so dumb? Even worse, how could I have been so dumb and been so convinced of my rightness for so long? How could I have ignored what must have been thumping in my conscience?

I didn’t really tell anyone at the time. Mostly because the one person I would normally have told was the person I’d just done a SDCU number on, and I couldn’t be in the same room as her any more without crying. It was that bad. I knew what I’d done wrong, the memory of my stupidity wouldn’t leave me, and I vowed never to do it again.

The thing is though, we move on. Time heals, and even the biggest SDCUs get papered over in the rooms of our memories, till all they are is a lump in the fabric, a scar where a wound used to be, and that’s pretty normal. You learn to live with these things, and you learn not to put yourself in situations where you’ll do the same thing again. It’s okay. Even SDCUs are okay when you can learn from them.

A few months ago, however, I was praying and God dropped this thought in my spirit, this thing that I just had to do, and, like most times when God tells people to do something, it freaked me out completely, and the only thing I could think was “But God…I can’t.”

Come on God, seriously. Don’t you remember about the SDCU?

And that’s when I realized.

It wasn’t my conscience condemning me at all. It wasn’t God. It was me.

There absolutely WAS a Super-Dooper Cock-Up: but it wasn’t the dumb thing I did to my friend. That was forgivable, and should have been moved on from years ago. No. The real SDCU was not talking about it to anyone, and allowing the guilt to stop me from reaching out to anyone for ten years. For that I’m truly sorry.

That’s why I’ve made my July 2012 resolution: I’m going to keep talking about how I’m feeling, and I’m going to keep blogging. Stuff-ups happen. All the time. We’re ridiculously human. But it’s only when we start admitting our faults to others and listening to our consciences rather than our emotions that we can really stop the cycle of the SDCU. What do you think? It’s scary, but do you care to join me in this big endeavour?

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Uh. Oh.

I learned a hard lesson yesterday. And, to make matters weirder, I learned it right here.

Yes, you learn things about yourself when blogging. And, unfortunately, you learn them in publc. Actually, I think learning things in public is my destiny. And no, I’m not particularly happy about that, but I’ve tried the other way and it doesn’t seem to work.

Here’s what I learned:

Just coz you can write pretty doesn’t mean that you make sense.

Sometimes you still need to WAIT before you send.

Or talk.

Or make big decisions based on what you think is true..

 

But do you know the even better bit of that lesson?

There’s forgiveness. And grace. And mercy. And favour. And love. And we can move on and forgive ourselves and not think that we’re the stupidest people that ever set foot on the planet, and we’re not sixteen any more, so instead of our friends thinking “Ewww, how on earth did she manage to do something so STUPID?” they’re thinking “Oh man. I do that too.”

And…here’s another lesson that I’m learning right here, right now, today, on my own blog:

That is WHY some of us are destined to learn and fail and grow and make mistakes in public. It helps all the people who want so much to stay private to know that they’re not alone. And that, my friend, is what it’s all about.

Making the world go round

Want to know something?

There are some people in my life who drive me absolutely, bat-poo-stinking Crazy.

There. I’ve said it. It’s so not politically correct, and it’s so not biblical, but oh boy oh BOY it’s true. Gosh. How rude. And before you ask, no it’s not you. Trust me. Well…maybe it is biblical. The bible never said we had to like everyone, just love them.

Big difference. I’m trying to teach my kids this.

I find this difficult. I’m a tolerant person. I’m not used to being driven crazy – bat-poo or otherwise – by anyone. But the thing is with that, I’ve also never got that close to some people to allow them to drive me crazy. Not really, personally-and-involved-ly close.

Do you get the difference?

It’s easy not to be racist when everyone is like you. It’s easy to want to help homeless people when they don’t sit next to you in church and smell bad. It’s easy to love people when people are distant entities that we don’t actually allow ourselves to get involved with.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’ve never loved anybody. I’ve got beautiful friends and a wonderful, wonderful husband. But they’re my friends (and he’s my husband) because they DON’T drive me crazy. It’s the other people, the ones you’ve got a choice about, that can get a bit iffy. Or whiffy, if you prefer. People that I like, most of the time; people that are around me due to circumstances beyond my control. You know the type. Yeah, you say…them.

Yes. Them. You’re with me now.

We have to love THEM.

Uh-huh.

Like I said, I’ve always been very good at tolerating them. I’ve been kind and polite and sensitive to their feelings and their needs. I’ve been, most of the time, generally understanding.

A funny thing happens though in life sometimes. Our circumstances change. The people that we hang with aren’t as close any more because of new jobs, new children, new cities, new lives, and suddenly we find ourselves lonely. Making new friends is hard, and tiring, and fraught with dangers, and all of a sudden we find ourselves calling the people that we’ve been tolerating for all this time, and we find ourselves telling them things we never thought we would, because deep down these people drive us crazy. And it’s risky, because suddenly we’re aware that we probably drive THEM crazy as well. That for all this time THEY’VE been tolerating US, and being sensitive and polite and kind, and most of the time generally understanding.

And then we realise that, in spite of ourselves, the weight of time has forged a bond that is stronger than we realise, and that, in spite of the fact that we do in fact drive each other bat-poo-stinking Crazy, there is – because of it and in spite of it – love.

Crazy, eh? Bat-poo Stinking.

And that is how, my friends, we make the world go round.

Would you do me the honour of…

I’m writing a proposal.

Noooooooo, don’t be silly! I’m already married…d’uh! I’m writing a book proposal. It’s okay. It’s not so hard. I’ve got a template, and that helps. Oh man, if everything in life had a template then wouldn’t it be awesome?

Oh okay…or not.

But it’s funny, because I’ve been living with this book for nearly seven years (yes, you heard me right), and I’m passionate about it, and yes, to be honest, I believe this is a book that God called me to write, but now some random Proposal Template is asking me HARD QUESTIONS. You know, like “what’s it about?”, or “why is it important?” and other things you can’t answer with “IT JUST IS!”

And of course the greatest irony is the whole book is about finding words to express deep feelings.

That’s not something I’m good at. At. All.

Anyone who’s ever asked me, when I’m having a really bad day, what’s happening for me, would have been met with an answer like “oh, you know. Stuff”. And a sage nod of the head, as if that explained everything. Which, of course, it does.

“Stuff” means everything. It means “I’m trapped so deep in my thoughts that I’m not sure how to find a way out”. It means “I’m really hurting please can you give me a hug or some chocolate…or preferably both”. It means “There are two completely opposing thoughts in my head right now that I can’t reconcile, and I’m not sure where God is”.

Or, of course, it also means “there’s too much washing on my kitchen table and too many dishes on my bench to even contemplate the idea of dinner and please can we eat fish and chips in front of the telly tonight”. But usually I’m okay with finding the words for that.

I can do it. I will. In fact, if I managed to write a book with 73,000 words that explain deep and complex feelings, then I’m sure I can write another 10,000 that explain why the 73,000 are so important.

Wish me luck, okay?

And next time you ask me what’s happening and I tell you “oh, you know, Stuff”, just check out the state of the kitchen. If it’s clean (ish) then I probably mean one of the other things : )

Blogging is harder than it looks people

Here’s one thing I know:

I don’t want to blog.

 

It’s true! I don’t want to put my feelings out there for everybody on the internet to see. I do that often enough on Facebook – and at least there I can veil them and put a humorous spin on them. This is like, you know…real. Out there.

And if I DO blog, like I am now…I don’t want to share it with people. Because that’s just…you know…weird.

I should share this, I guess.

Really, I should.

I guess.

 

It’s good practice…for the future…when I’ve actually got something interesting to say.

All I’ve got to say today is this:

Blogging is harder than it looks.

 

 

Well, I’m here. Hello!

I’ve started a blog.

You can probably see that already, seeing as that you’re here, reading this and all.

It feels a bit hoo-ha-lah-dee-dah really, starting a blog. I mean, everyone has one. Everyone. And many of them are completely boring, all the time. And LONG! Heavens, I just don’t have time to read that much of anybody’s thoughts, I have housework to do. So this will be short.

ish.

Unless I get on a rant, which I do have a tendency to do occasionally. Usually before I realise I am, in fact, completely and utterly WRONG.

Don’t you hate that?

So there you go. I’ll blog because I like to think out loud, and because I like being corrected, and because sometimes, when ideas collide, you just might learn something new.

Care to join me in the discovery?